


The moon always changes

by imladrissun



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Gen, M/M, dealing with history and dealing with modern life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-21
Updated: 2020-02-21
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:54:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22827487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imladrissun/pseuds/imladrissun
Summary: Sweden and Finland deal with themselves and each other. It's not a super smooth road, but both want to keep going down it -- most of the time.
Relationships: Finland/Sweden (Hetalia)
Kudos: 15





	The moon always changes

The only times Tino has ever been intimate with him were based off of his successes -- so yeah, he's been pretty motivated to do well. Though actually the instances have been few and far between. He thought he knew what the right goals were, what morality was. It turns out everything is different in this modern world. After Tino left him for his own life [Russia was involved on the fringes but not Ivan himself personally], it was hard for Berwald. A lifetime of his darling with him at home is suddenly over, and also they both know it was wrong. 

That what he did was wrong. The other Nordics barely seem to think about this or care, but Berwald can't stop thinking about it. Does Tino hate his language, his customs -- how his own land of Suomi has been irrevocably altered in every way.

Tino has power over him, and everyone knows it but no one speaks. Berwald almost wants someone to say something. In a way he's been happy for a long time; Tino is his obsession, his love, his lovely darling. He knows Tino just barely tolerates him. Even if he did care for him, really, he could never love him back as much as Berwald loves him. It's impossible. Tino is a manifestation of his every wish, his concept of beauty and joy, of the glory of creation itself. He is happy to be near him, to hear him speak. It's enough.

They were only together in the past in a certain way: when Finland comes to him, it's like a ritual. Always the same opening gestures; after the first time he recognizes it all and his heart explodes when it starts, racing. It is about rewarding him, it seems. He doesn't ask, and Tino doesn't tell him why he suddenly deserves this ecstasy. They go years without touching sometimes and he doesn't mind. Just the possibility of it in the future is enough. It's so much more than there was before. It's better than he could have ever imagined feeling -- just anticipating it, not even counting actually being with him.

Slowly Berwald has realized that Tino is his own person [he knew that] with his own culture [not as sharp on that one.] He wants his own language, his own things. He lives in his own house now all the way in Finland and Berwald misses him desperately. He contemplates several openings in which he tells Tino that he's willing to move in with him in Suomi [urban or rural area, he doesn't care] if he will let him but decides that's too forward. Tino doesn't like forward. He controls everything and Berwald simply waits to see what will happen.

Beggars can't be choosers. 

He is insanely jealous of Estonia at times, but tries to always speak of him favorably so as not to upset [or clue in] Tino. He would rightfully be surprised and disgusted. At times Berwald disgusts himself. 

It is only now that he realizes that Tino might have 'done what he had to do', as he's heard nations put it -- better his position with someone more powerful by attaching himself through a relationship. The first time Berwald hears people talking like that he thinks nothing of it. Then slowly, days later, it sinks in that Tino was in exactly that position. Was anything he ever said real? Was it just survival through 'handling' Sweden himself? Not that that would have been wrong, but the thought does make him break out into a cold sweat. Was even his love, his favor, the kindnesses he gave Berwald sometimes just fake? Something he had to grit his teeth and then lie through them to do, something repulsive.

Does Tino think of him that way? Was he 'managed' by someone who thought they were the servant? None of them have ever been involved with their mortals to the point of changing history or having an effect on politics or wars personally, but still, he is afraid. It's nauseating, and he can't eat. 

But he can't ask Finland about it either. He also can't imagine it the other way around -- what if he'd been the conquered one, the one that wasn't to speak their own language? How would he have felt about Tino personally? And yet Tino had willingly seemed to come with him several times. But was that just self-preservation, or him trying to better the lives of the mortals of his land?

Did he resent everything? Because Sweden would have, if anyone had done any of that to him, he thinks. And 'protection' would not have flied as an excuse. Had he always been afraid of him?

Berwald decides he has to get over himself. He does however try to speak in Finnish when he's got Tino on the line. He rarely sees him in real life. Finland doesn't have a huge interest in going to meetings that have an international presence. It eventually hits him that he may have to reach out to Estonia, Tino's best friend, to get an idea of what presents to buy him for holidays. In the past he always gave him the best food, the best loot, the best cloth, the best pieces of gold jewelry and brooches. But since Timo moved back to Finland, he hasn't really known what to buy him. 

Finland is totally uninterested in Sealand. He's polite but it's perfunctory. [The boy visits Sweden sometimes, and once in a while Tino randomly shows up when he happens to be there.] And he stays in his own land of Finland for the most part. He does come by on different days and times, there is no pattern that Sweden can discern.

Sealand asks him once why he always does this, to Berwald's chagrin and horror -- but Tino says simply, "Well I wanted to see him. So I why wouldn't I come see if he was home if I want to see him? Besides," he added, eating the salmiakki strong licorice that Berwald bought just in the hopes he would show up to eat it, "I've been here when neither of you are here loads of times." He says it casually; Berwald is shocked. Tino, here? Doing what?

He says nothing, stilled by surprise. Tino just stopped by and left... right? He does not elaborate. 

Eventually he does start inviting him to come to Finland though, which is exciting but nerve racking. He has studied Finnish for a while now in case Tino ever decided to spend time with him. Because of the past he can't just show up in Finland if he feels like it. He has to be invited. 

Before he had to let Tino make the first move so that he wasn't abusing his power [... while abusing it in other ways, he now understands with horrible irony] and now he has to so that it doesn't seem like he's trying to act like they haven't left the past. The world is modern now, their pasts seem distant in a way and grotesque. But there's no way to apologize for something that big, that bad. There's nothing he could say.

He does like to write emails to Tino, though, which he has sent him since it became popular with the common people. Tino has never written back. He tried not to take it personally and kept writing anyway. He knows he was consigned long ago to the spam folder for all of time but he doesn't care. There are things he wants to express and the emails are like letting a pressure valve give off steam a little. It makes him feel better to pour everything he's thinking and feeling out in these inappropriately long emails and then hit send. 

Tino has never mentioned it, but to be honest he's rarely seen him for long periods of time in recent years. Even his visits are brief. One day, on one visit when Berwald alone is home, he asks him to come to Suomi with him. "Can you throw together a bag?" he asks, and Berwald finds himself stuffing some shirts into a weekender bag with an almost shaking hand. Tino is out waiting for him in the car; he's already raided his salmiakki stash, he's sure. 

His shock and nerves prove to be the appropriate response in a way, because Tino springs it on him during the ride. He's driving, and is a very bad driver, really. Too impulsive, Berwald thinks, as he braces himself with a hand on the inside of the door while the car rounds a curve very quickly. "I was thinking we should try to be together," he says, looking resolutely at the road, something he doesn't always feel the need to do. He on purpose doesn't want to look at Berwald for this, it seems. "You don't really know me, and I've never really told you anything at all -- not that you've talked a lot," Tino adds the last words dryly. "Why don't we try getting to know each other? It will be rough for me because I still hesitate to tell you anything, and it will be bad for you because you don't seem to like to talk in the first place." 

Berwald nods. Then he realizes he has to actually say something. Talking has always seemed so vulnerable, he never knows how exactly to phrase things, [and in front of Tino doesn't he always feel a little flayed open and desperate and obsessed? He often can't bear to add more vulnerability to that mix. With people other than Tino he just doesn't want to talk.] And it's always been easier in the past to just wait for Tino to keep talking, which he does. In older time periods people often slept near each other on any surface, bed or no; Tino could always make him feel better with words, with a gesture, by stroking his hair to help him sleep. He isn't as good a sleeper as Tino, and has never been; he now thinks he's more of an anxious person at heart. Worried about big things; Tino might seem more chatty and high energy but he has a core of steel that never moves, and he never seems afraid at heart. 

Though Berwald has often wondered how much of his past behavior was an act. He has noticed the other two Scandinavians talk about how Norway's power is not as great as his; Denmark has whispered his fears of seeing Tino use his magic. Berwald's never seen it but he has overhead people mention that he himself is 'lucky' in a knowing tone, and god doesn't he want that to be true. It would be amazing if Tino really has made him lucky in battle, if he gave him a supernatural edge somehow. Even if it was in his self-interest, Berwald's heart constricts at the thought of it. 

"Do I need to read your mind?" Tino's voice cuts into his thoughts, but at least he sounds amused. "Don't make me. I know it's not fun but you need to answer me when I talk to you. I'm not willing to sit here and be ignored." 

Berwald flushes; he's already behind and isn't that always the case? Tino's always seemed to have some knowledge he didn't. "What should I say," he asks, more of a statement than a question, worried about all the potential answers.

Tino looks right at him with his intense eyes, so beautiful and luminous. Berwald regrets making eye contact; it often distracts him, and other times just makes his blood quicken too much. He can feel the slight soft-twinge of goosebumps on his arms despite not feeling cold. Tino has always been able to turn him inside out with a look. 

"I'm assuming you still have this ... interest... in me," Tino continues, but his words belie his tone. Berwald is a little shocked at what he's delving into. He's usually avoidant, and feelings are a no go. 

"Yes," Berwald croaks out, suddenly realizing he's supposed to answer. 

Tino nods, looking ahead at the road. His face is calm, and he doesn't know if that's a good or bad thing. They've never had this conversation. "We need to handle it. I want you to come over every weekend -- or less, if you want -- for us to do the people part." 

The talking, Berwald immediately thinks. And is then proven wrong. "The whole sleeping together part," Tino continues, apparently not finished. "Let's just skip the emotions part and act like we've been together forever." He turns to look at him, looking speculative. 

Oh, he's waiting for his answer, he thinks. Fortunately the rational side of him pipes up for a second and makes him nod and say 'yes' out loud [though it does sound like it went through a blender to get there; it barely sounds like the Finnish 'Joo'.] Tino seems to understand, like he always does. "There's only one condition," he says, and his tone has a bit of a warning in it; Sweden's too high on endorphins to care. 

"You have to stop the emailing. I want you to call me every day when you're not at my house and tell me what you would have written." Berwald feels like the brakes have been hit, but they're going merrily on.


End file.
